 Ernesto the Caretaker
 At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the ....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your mother's .... she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE....................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"
The Dagohoy Story
It was the first day of school in Washington, DC and a new student name Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher began, "Let's review some American history, class. Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy's who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry,1775." "Very good," said the teacher.
"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Dagohoy: "Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863," he said.
The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who is new to our country knows more about our history than you do."
She hears a loud whisper from the back: "Screw the Filipinos." "Who said that?" she
demanded. Dagohoy put his hand up. "General John Pershing, Manila, 1898."
At that point, Jack, another student says, "I'm going to puke."
The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again Dagohoy answers, "George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991."
Now furious another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice, "Bill Clinton to
Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!"
Someone shouts, "You little shit if you say anything else, I'll kill you." Dagohoy
yells, "Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!"
The teacher faints. "I'm outta here!" mutters one student as he sidles to the
door."President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30, 2002!" Dagohoy responds.
As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, "Oh shit, now we're really in big trouble!" "Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Bagdad, March 2003!" Dagohoy bellowed.
"Now, I really have to run," Jack mutters, heading for the exit. "Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!" Dagohoy shouts triumphantly jumping with glee.
Djok Time
Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your
answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!
HOLIDAYS:
MOTHER >>> MOTHERS DAY
FATHER >>>> FATHERS DAY
PREGNANT WOMEN >>> LABOR DAY
SINGLE GUYS >>>> PALM SUNDAY
Q: What does an American say when he farts?
A: Excuse me
Q: British?
A: Pardon me
Q: Pinoy?
A: Not me!
How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it...rat!
If it doesn't...cat! If it runs...dog!
Tagalog
Required
Ang mga Bisaya di ko maintindihan English nila.
English ng isda... pis.
English ng mukha... pis.
Ng pandikit... pis.
Ng kapayapaan.. . pis.
Tinanong pa ako kung saan ako nakatira... Pis 1 o Pis 2? Pisti!
GMA in a cabinet meeting ....
GMA: oshige ... kung shino man ang tamaan ng bola na 'to ay siyang magre-reshign
(initsa ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya ....)
GMA: o ... praktish lang un noh? ulet!
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa
bang
napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema NATIN dahil nagmamahalan
tayo.ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis NATIN si inday at TAYO ang ama
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare, ako nanalo!!!
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang!
Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko
basag ang bungo!
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH! !!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!
In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
langit
Mga bakla: okey lang po father..dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide! !!
Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kitae h.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo?
- Kasi bilang na ang araw niya.
Eh bakit masuwerte naman ang kalendaryo?
- Dahil marami siyang date.
Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin......
sa kanila ang malambot "SUP", ang sabaw "SUP",
ang sabon "SUP" pa rin.
HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa
dibdib, approved agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang bird mo para
may dagdag - disability benefits.
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun.
Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na,
anong gift mo sa Misis mo?
Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko siya sa Africa!
Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh next year ano naman ang gift mo?
Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!!!
Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !
Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga
sinasabi mo ha !
Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya ?
Girl 2 : yung misis niya !
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
True
Story
Last week, I left Manila with a couple of friends heading toward Punta
Fuego, in Batangas, when I decided to stop at a comfort station in a
relatively new Gas station in Tagaytay.
Being a new gas station, this place would have a clean bano and clean
facility to take a good crap : ) The first stall was occupied (my theory
was correct) so I went into the second one.
Just when I was seated and poised to emit a very "silent" fart, I heard a voice from the next toilet:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Putek!!! I thought in my mind. I am certainly not the type to chat
with strangers in highway comfort rooms or any comfort room for that
matter.
Normally, I would keep as dead silent as possible in a situation like
this so no one would think I was there. What was I to do? run? keep
quiet? so many questions in my mind.
I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered,
a little embarrassed:
"OK LANG, pare!"
And the stranger said: "Whats up with you?"
Talk about your unnervingly dumb questions! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?
(In my mind) I was really beginning to think this was just TOO WEIRD!
So I said:
"WELL, JUST LIKE YOU I'M MAKING TAE"
Then, I heard the person, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you
back, there's some idiot in the next toilet answering all the questions
I am asking you."
Pinoy
Hell
A Pinoy dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What
do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like
the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Filipino hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells- why are there
so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because there is always a brownout, so the electric chair does not
work. Somebody stole all the nails to sell it "por kilo". And the devil
used to be a public official, so he comes in, punches his time-card, shakes
hands with all the people waiting there and then goes back home..."
Erap
Jokes
Legend has it that there
is a bar in Manila where, in the Mens Room there is a very special mirror.
If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is
granted a wish.
However, if one tells a lie - *poof* - - you
are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, a man of questionable looks walks into the Mens Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the handsomest man in the world."- - - *poof* The mirror swallows him.
Next a rather fat man stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest man alive." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows him.
Then Erap comes in, stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." - - - *poof* |
|
Director: 'Sir, we have to do something with our
population program. A woman gives birth every 30
seconds here in the Philippines .. ..
Erap: 'Ha?, you're right...FIND THAT WOMAN !!!'
During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says:
Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
TEACHER: What is the formula for water?
ERAP: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
TEACHER: That's not what I taught you.
ERAP: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
STANLEY HO: Mr. President, please
accept this Mercedes Benz as sign of
my appreciation to you
ERAP: Sorry,
I don't accept bribes
SH: I'll just sell it to you
for P100
ERAP: Okay, I'll get two!
ERAP: (singing) "Mile away . . . . you're so many mile away from me . .
."
LOI: Hon, lagyan mo ng letter "s"!
ERAP: Smile away, you're so many smile away from me . . ."
Erap : Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone.
Doctor : Are you CHOKING?
Erap : No, I'm SERIOUS!!
Teacher: Erap spell horse!
Erap: H....O....
Teacher: Bilisan mo
Erap: H....O....R...
Teacher: Sabing bilisan mo
Erap: Ya! Tigidig!!!Tigidig!!! Tigidig...
Cardinal Sin is accepting Erap as president because he found Erap very
close to the lord.
Gambling lord, drug lord, carnapping lord, etc.............
Isang araw, Erap notices people were signing up for a free seminar about
the WWW. Erap says: "it's really nice to see so many people
interested in history. But there should be another seminar where our country
was more involved."
His bodyguard says: "what do you mean, sir?"
Erap explains: "I mean there should also be a seminar about WWT...
Not only World War Wan....but also World War Two."
Why there isn't a Filipino-American
president
1. White House not big enough for in-laws.
2. Engineering, computer science, nursing and accounting preferred
overpolitics.
3. Not enough parking at the White House to park the 2 Honda Civics,
the Toyota Celica, the 1985 Diesel Mercedes-Benz, BMW (Big Mean Wife) and
the Chrysler CaraVan or the MPV (My Pinoy Van)..
4. Can't find decent chicken adobo in D.C.
5. Secret Service could never handle nagging mother.
6. Dignitaries generally intimidated by eating with fingers at statedinners.
7. No chance for promotion.
8. Lactose intolerance is not considered politically correct.
9. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in.
10. Too many windows on White House to put metal bars on outside.
11. Not allowed to install whistle-beep on presidential limo when put
inreverse gear.
12. Too many dining rooms in the White House; where will they put thepicture
of The Last Supper?
13. Too much confusion over the definition of D.C. .....District of
Columbiaor Daly City?
14. White House walls not big enough to hold giant wooden fork and
spoon.
15. FAA won't allow rainbow tape on Air Force One dashboard.
16. Secret Service staff won't respond to "psssssst......psssssst."
17. Secret Service staff uncomfortable driving presidential car with
rosaryhanging on rear view mirror and St. Jude or Sto. Nino statuette ondashboard.
18. No more WWII jeeps available for restoration as presidential jeepneys.
19. No money allocated in budget to purchase laserdisk karaoke sing-alongmachines
for every room in the White House.
20. State Dinners do not allow left over food as "To Go".
21. Air Force One do not allow any balikbayan boxes on board.
Found
in a Manila Bar...
 To
Marjie,
I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why?
What reason you can think about but you're very fat body.
I'm thoughth before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and
later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be
with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're
habit of making pakialam all his walks and always calling to their house
what time he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to
met you iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise
you're very, very, very fat body but you hate it you thought your the
most prettiest girls he know about what do you think you are "Beautiful
Girl" of Jose Mari Chan even you are beautiful face (to your think)
you do not have the rigth to called me whatsoever or else different
name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality
because I'm never call you names before iether in front of Dennis or
in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different
name, I'm don't have any other choice but to called you other different
name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT AND UGLY SHAPE girl.
Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. You
can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I'm am the more
sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I'm repeat
again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.
FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.
PS. You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis
want to
kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the
final is me.
RUTHIE
Driving
in Manila - a Quick Guide
 |
THE FILIPINO DRIVER GREETING:
When greeting a Filipino driver, slowly lower your window
and be prepared to greet the driver with, "Tang namo, bobo." However,
if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful,
"Tang namo rin,gago."
ON TURN SIGNALS:
If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal,
do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator
and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably
greet you and you already know what to do.
ON TRAFFIC LIGHTS:
These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no
apparent reason.
Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors
change on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials
(specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction
for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have determined the following
instructions for each color: |
 Red
light - this light gives permission to the next five to six cars to
go through.
 Yellow
light - accelerate your car as much as possible.
 Green
light - reduce speed and wait for the five to six cars passing through
their respective red lights.
Little-known-fact: Time to start honking
your horn, as soon as the light turns green = 1.5 seconds.
ON CHANGING LANES:
Changing lanes has been elevated to an art form in the
Philippines. First of all, no matter what you do, never ever turn on your
turn signal,otherwise you'll stimulate the reaction described above.
Second, swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane you
want to change, preferably if you end up within inches of a car in that
lane. At this point a greeting from the other driver may be in order. To perfect your change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car dramatically
in a matter of seconds and you will see an action-packed reaction from
the car behind you.
ON TRAFFIC JAMS:
Traffic Jams are teeming with fun filled activities such
as:
1. Honking your horn rhythmically.
2. Putting on make-up (usually female drivers only).
3. Nose-pickers sightseeing (not to be confused
with people who scratch their brains through their noses).
4. Reducing speed to watch whatever is causing
the traffic jam. Add excitement by trying to see if you know the
parties involved. (Note: Every Filipino driver is obliged to do this.)
5. Losing weight by sweating like a pig as a result
of a lack of air-conditioning.
6. Greeting other drivers.
7. Practicing lane changing.
8. Playing the game: Let's see how close I can
get o you before
rear-ending you.
ON PEDESTRIANS:
These individuals are an annoyance to the Filipino driver.
If you see pedestrians in your way, accelerate your car to let them know
who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let the pedestrians
know you want to proceed by accelerating your car and honking at the last
possible moment.
ON SOCIAL SITUATIONS:
Bumping into a friend while driving (not to be taken
literally) is a joyful
occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop
their cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about
other drivers? Well, they can wait.
ON HIGHWAY DRIVING:
Bottleneck Formation - To accomplish this type
of driving, cars must block ll lanes by driving at the same speed and side
by side (to keep other cars from passing). It is important to drive
at a speed at least 20 mph below the speed limit.
The Three-Lane-Change - This movement requires
a lot of precision and creativity. It should be done around the highest
number of cars possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others
may refer to as widespread panic.
HERE'S ANOTHER RULE FOR DRIVING IN THE PHILIPPINES.
When the lanes going in your direction are jammed with
cars, try using the lanes from the oncoming traffic. They are probably
not occupied anyway because the oncoming cars are stuck as well. How many
of the other direction's lanes should you occupy? As long as there are
lanes from the other direction to occupy, go ahead and take more lanes.
This move is sure to elicit previously mentioned greetings from drivers
of the oncoming cars and some have been known to get down from their cars
to personally deliver the greeting to the out of lane driver). 9
out of 10 times it's sure to make the traffic worse but then, hey, there's
that 1 in 10 chance that you might actually get through sooner than all
those law-abiding losers.
Filipino drivers think that 1 in 10 chance is reason enough
to risk their life and limb and being profusely greeted (besides, you can
always turn up the windows and pretend that you don't hear the greeting
from the other drivers).
GOT IT ??
GOOD !
Welcome to Manila !! |
